at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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