just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
