There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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