fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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