People in love make me want to vomit
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
