My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
