I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
