The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
