Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
