bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
