I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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