After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
