gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
