i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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