my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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