Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
