Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
