He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
