I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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