my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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