She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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