good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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