I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just want to make out with him forever
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
