please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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