I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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