There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
