woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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