sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
