Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
