apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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