I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
