Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
as a side note pls kill me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
