My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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