We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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