If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
