I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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