I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
