What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
