what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
