I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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