Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
