I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
