Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
