Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so let's talk penis.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
