come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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