All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
