the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
