8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
