Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You're like the curious george of whores
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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