Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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